Stirred

As of late, I’ve been moved by self-preservation over anything else. Underlying this is a fear - a fear that God does not have all things in His control, and that I (somehow!) am able to mitigate any potential calamity by inserting my own control over things. Perhaps also, as we have experienced in this pandemic, our limited agency has driven us to be even more protective over the things that we think we can control.

The irony for me is that the more I obsess over control, the more fears that have crept in. As my agency is increasingly stripped and anxiety mounts, I am left to cry for mercy and deliverance like a helpless child (and trust me, it’s not pretty). Yet it’s in these cries that I realize that I am most rightly positioned to my Savior - that the essence of my faith is knowing that I cannot do it on my own, but it is Christ who gives me strength

Some unhelpful things that I have told myself is that I should be better than my circumstances, and that I shouldn’t be feeling as poorly as I do. This is partly my own flesh and the work of the Enemy into guilt or shame, and these thoughts are frighteningly dark and constricting. In contrast, the Hebrew word for salvation, yasa, has the idea of going from a restricted, narrow space into one that is roomy and open. That picture is the same that I need to impress into the salvation that he offers from myself - that I can walk into His glorious light for in Him there is no darkness at all.