The beginning of the year began so innocently. This was taken on my birthday in January when the admin assistants I work with decorated my office. Little did I know that this space would not be my primary place of work for the remainder of the year.
This was our faculty meeting before the start of spring semester. During the meeting we discussed how COVID was impacting our students from China, only to have the tables turned within months with us dealing with the pandemic and students scrambling to return to their home countries.
Most teachers (if honest) will tell you that this year has had them questioning whether or not they should quit the profession. I’ve had to dig deeper before, fighting Zoom fatigue and showing up for the students, who demonstrated such resilience, with half of my class this semester continuing their studies from abroad. I got to host my first ever webinar to help connect students on their experience of “Studying Art During a Pandemic.”
joyful tidings 2020
In the early part of this year I wrote about a sense of sameness to my life. Ironically, a month later, everything that was once the same was all of a sudden not. The onset of the pandemic brought our lives to a screeching halt. Our routines were no longer routine (e.g., my 40-minute commute on public transit turned into walking 20 feet into the dining room) and with the disruptions, came many losses - to the point where many months later I sometimes feel numb to them all.
Though adrenaline got me through some of the initial transition, I found myself grieving the many losses that came with all the changes to family, friendships, work, church, and even mundane tasks like buying groceries. And as if the grief of these changes weren’t enough, as we progressed through the year we witnessed an overwhelming toll of human lives lost to the virus, businesses shattered, the shooting of George Floyd and a nation in uproar over racial injustice in our country, devastating fires on the west coast, and a contentious presidential election that further divided our country. There was a point in midst of all of these that I cried out to God to “just have a pandemic,” which then reminded me that I sounded a lot like the Israelites longing to go back into slavery and forgetting God’s faithfulness when experiencing the next hard thing.
This Christmas, I see with greater appreciation and awe God’s plan of salvation in Jesus. Sin has marred our world, and we see it ever more clearly this year in pestilence, pain, and loss. His plan is full scale redemption and deliverance for the world in Jesus. He came so that sin would not reign over us and He is coming again. In this future vision I stake my hope:
“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." - Revelation 21:3-4
I’m not going to lie and say that I have come to this hope so neatly. This year has been really, really hard. I’ve had darker moments than I can ever remember, heightened by fear and the unknown. My job of almost 15 years is precarious at best, with severe decreases to international student enrollment. In addition to leading faculty through this difficult time and making hard decisions about budget cuts and personnel, I myself was furloughed in the late part of the year for one day a week. And the transition to Zoom teaching on top of all of this has turned me into a novice teacher again, exhausting and draining me of what ordinarily is a passion. On top of all of this, I was also diagnosed with shingles a few months ago, which was a clear sign to me that indeed, I have not been well.
I’ve eased my earlier ambitions of pandemic productivity and settled into - Lord, find me faithful. I pray this in the realization of my deep brokenness and need for God and indeed this is my prayer for you and the world - that we all deeply sense our need for a Savior and have a renewed sense of Emmanuel, God with us.
Sabrina Hannah Jew was born in June, bringing an added delight to our family (and competition for Karen). It has been bittersweet to not have been a bigger part of her early life because of all our restrictions, but this child (and of course her older sister) are so so loved by their auntie! One good thing in my furlough is the opportunity for extra time to take walks with my sister before her maternity leave ended and to spend more time with family!
When COVID hit, I had a new sense of being alone with the quarantine. I am thankful for a space of my own, especially since now practically every activity of my life takes place within my home. To break from the monotony, I’ve been spending a lot of time walking the neighborhood. In the early part of the pandemic, it was time to work out my grief and emotions. And along came small joys of making porch visits to see my niece, whose growth during lockdown amazes me as we adults (me) are just barely holding ourselves together.
As a family we have found creative ways to get together and celebrate birthdays in the pandemic. Though Christmas we will be together over Zoom, I am thankful for the constancy of family, and their love and care. Even as we live in three separate houses, we have found ways to connect (like food drop offs, Zoom, and a family texting chain).