Marathon Log.20.  Miles logged: 8 miles

I sometimes get invariably deep during these entries so as to remind myself who I am not.  And I end up surprising myself in realizing who I am...not.

A new who-I-am-not:

I am not immune to feelings.  Well, okay, "duh!" some of you are thinking.  What person isn't?  I suppose I should clarify in saying that I think I can come off as pretty composed and together, but inside I'm a mess of emotions and feelings.  One of my best friends calls me intimidating (because I seem so put together), to which I guffaw and think, "if they only see what God sees..."

Take the example of Sherise the teacher.  I'm so petrified before I start class that I'll shuffle my papers nervously at my desk (to appear busy) and avoid eye contact until I know that classtime has officially begun.  During class, thoughts that run through my head include "oh my goodness, I am such a dork...I'm boring these students to sleep!"  Or "dude, i must be the worst teacher in the world...that kid just rolled his eyes at me!" 

I just want to be liked, c'mon!

What else? Well, this past weekend I was sitting in a church meeting.  Nothing unusual about that.  Having served in various ministries, a meeting is just a meeting.  However, it had a very unusual turn of events which ended up seeing me burst out in tears in the middle of it.  Unlike tears of me responding to God's presence which I've written about as of late, they were tears of frustration.  I've never had to persuade a point so passionately that tears have come out.  I was so embarrassed!  [don't worry, by grace, it was all good by meeting's end]

It surprised me that my feelings were out of control.

So, how to tie this into running?  I casually say that I ran 8 miles this weekend as if I do this in my sleep.  But it was a hard run.  Most people respond with a hey-i-can't-even-run-a-mile response.  But those 8 miles--whoo boy--they ain't no walk in the park.  I was feeling it--bottled up emotions--telling me that I wasn't going to make it very far.  I finished my run feeling pretty God-less, trying to deal with what all of this running is for. 

Lots of emotions coming down the pike less than 2 weeks from my marathon.  Ack!