Jiu de bu qu, xin de bu lai...

I've had this phrase recited to me practically every time I mention to a local person that I lost my bike. In English we say 'out with the old, in with the new.'  But here it has the effect of if the old does not go, the new cannot come.

Less than 24 hours after losing him I was the owner of a new bike, whom I have named 'Hui Hui,' or Ash in more understandable nomenclature.  He's gray in color, hence the name 'hui' for 'hui se' in Ch. and 'ash' in English.  I like to think of him as beauty from ashes, though I was initially reluctant in my acceptance of him.  He just didn't ride the same as Shao Lan and, well, he just wasn't Shao Lan.

I've thought more about this idea of the old leaving before the new can come.  I've thought about it particularly in relationship to all that has been a part of my recent reality.  And more than just recent--something that dawned on me today.  Oh how I need to die living for the prse of man!  I realize part of my struggle with teaching these 1st and 2nd graders is that I'm practically obsessed, or fixated by trying to be good at this so as to prove myself yet competent in the eyes of others. 

It ain't the prettiest of things when this happens and so you need a day like today to burst that bubble.  The principal of the elementary school came up to me after my first class and asked if he and two other administrators could come observe my next class, which started in 15 minutes (guess that 'future' he referred to the other day was really the near future).  'You'll welcome us?' he asked.  What choice did I have?  'Oh you're welcome,' I said hastily.  It's already a dreadful thing for a teacher to be observed, much less with fifteen minutes notice and being the newbie that I am.

So being stripped of everything in regards to proper preparation, there I was teaching, and yeah, hopefully was doing just that...teaching.  I didn't have a chance to talk with the principal or other administrators on what exactly they thought or what they were scribbling back there in their notes.  Still learning to die to what they think, you see.

This old fleshly nature needs to continually die to self before newfound beauty of my S'vr is realized in me--furthering the truth, jiu de bu qu, xin de bu lai.