"He who loves money will not be satisfied with money, nor he who loves wealth with his income; this also is vanity. "Ecclesiastes 5:10

I usually don't think of myself as overly controlled by money. Yet I get uncomfortable when I compare myself against my peers, having subtly bought into the assumption that earnings speak worth and value. To make myself feel better, I chalk it up to the fact that I'm a teacher, which is the equivalent to humanitarian or charity work - practical sainthood, of course.

So maybe I do have a bit of a problem. As much as I say that I'm free from the love of money, I can't help but be obsessed by it at times, in a way that no pay raise ever seems to quench. Scripture is wise to often speak to us using monetary terms, because it is something we all deal with, whether rich or poor.

Perhaps, then, it is for this reason that a statement like this takes on such great significance:

"For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich." 2 Corinthians 8:9

For her recent speech in front of the UN as a proponent of gender equality and the HeForShe movement, Emma Watson (most notably of Harry Potter movie fame) has been lauded as the face of the "new feminism." The message is solidarity between genders to stand up for inequalities against women. As appealing as the message is, the problem is not finally equality. The Fall has irreversibly distorted gender relations such that it is only in Christ that we understand that there is no male and female - both are equal co-heirs to salvation. Until sin is finally done away with, inequality will always exist. And certainly we as a church take a stand against any condition opposing the kingdom of God. The problem is that the final conclusion at the end of the feminist argument leads ultimately to the celebration of self. Significance is found in the imago dei, not our gender. So it is not #YesAllWomen or #HeforShe, but Romans 11:36 - "For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen."

Watson says in her speech that the end goal is freedom. The goal for believers is rather greater dependence and worship of our Maker. And it is in this dependence we find our freedom.

As a child, I was always the youngest in my class - just as I turned another year older, everyone was turning the next year older. And so I was perpetually behind, helpless to do anything about it. As an adult I realize that I have a similar obsession with time. I still feel I'm behind my peers in the so-called progression of life. If you had told me ten years ago where I'd be in life, I would have been despondent that time would not have revealed more. There is another sense of time that occupies my heart in a completely different way. It's the sense that eternity exists, and that this linear progression through life is indeed headed somewhere. God, who is atemporal, is completely outside of time, yet reveals himself throughout the thread of human history. He has made everything beautiful in its time, and I persist knowing that what God does endures forever. He can be trusted! Amen.

I found myself frustrated this week as I saw a lot of work that I put into a project slowly unravel because of someone not as thorough on her end of the job. It made me wonder why I went through all the trouble in the first place, and how being excellent in the end still cost me. Meaningless! All is meaningless. A chasing after the wind.

I always want my work to count for something, but often in the end all my toil results in nothing. If I did not believe that my work matters to God in that I am to go at it heartily, knowing that it is in fact Christ that I serve, my efforts would be meaningless indeed.

I am one who loves to learn. Call me a nerd (no offense taken). I find it intoxicating to sit in a library with books spread all around me, reading and researching. To others, this makes them want to throw up.

In this age of the internet where the answers to many questions are a Google search away, there are moments where there is nothing more I want to know. Oh, but the internet is endless - I know! But yet there is a certain futility to the endless accumulation of knowledge that even this pursuit in itself is a turn off.

It's an unhappy business that we humans engage in to seek out all the glorious riches that wisdom has to offer. And yet Christ - the very wisdom of God has been revealed, and we still go searching! This is folly indeed.

In this week already I've been called upon in what I can count on two hands of situations and people needing advice and counsel. I'm not quite sure how they all piled into this one week, as if life would just decide to be convenient on  command. This was actually a week that I determined I wanted to spend time on myself, mulling over some of my own things. Instead, I'm listening to others and their things. In the past I have taken some heat over what I describe as "faking it until you make it" moments. What I mean by this is moments which entreaty you to act outside of yourself - to engage rather than disengage. Not in a disingenuous way, but in which you muster all the courage to be present for a person even if it goes against all your own yearnings. This makes it plain to see that it's not about me. But I so often want it to be. 

Before beginning a new semester of teaching a wave of helplessness washes over me as I look down the prospect of once again leading a group of students through an established set of course outcomes. It takes a certain amount of work and effort to get them all clued into a routine and marching to the same beat. And even after having done so, it's always true that I have noncompliants, and am never without a semester where someone hasn't neatly followed the order that I prescribe.

After the same rigamarole again and again, I realize that there's not much of anything new that I haven't seen before. A decade of teaching earns you this perspective.

There's a certain amount of futility that accompanies endless cycles of the same thing. Sometimes I'm running that hamster wheel so hard that I lose sight of any forward trajectory. Slowing down that wheel to take stock of an eternal perspective takes real effort. I'm somewhat in the middle of this and realizing that I need to make this more of a regular thing.

There have been moments in my life where vision has catapulted me into immediate action, only to be equally coupled with moments where insecurity and confusion reign. When my own vision grows dim, the greater the need to be absorbed in a much grander vision - one clearly outlined in Scripture to be glorious, beautiful, and satisfying beyond imagination - one that ultimately finds its rootedness in Christ and culminates in the marriage supper of the Lamb. There are great examples of people who live in this reality, and to whom I admire and wish to emulate. My greatest hindrance to this is allowing my vision (my needs, my satisfaction) become somehow greater than what is already certain and imminent. Lest I feel helpless in the in between of this fulfillment, I am reminded not to throw away my confidence and to endure, so that the promised vision may be realized in faith.

Today I listened to Susan Cain, author of "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" speak on challenging the extrovert ideal. I am among the choir of introverts that Cain preaches to. It drains me to be around people. In fact, I spent the whole day yesterday by myself, and I can't tell you how much pleasure it gave me. I know being introverted has its perks even in a culture that champions extroverts. It's taken me well into my adult years to really embrace the introvert in me, yet manage to still engage people at a high level.

The one piece missing to me in Cain's advocacy of the introvert is an underlying reason for which she encourages introverts to open up their metaphorical suitcase to the world because "the world needs [us] and the things that [we] carry." While there is no inherent flaw in this plea, the motivation  is lacking. How can one champion the introvert, yet also ask her to act contrary to it? The only motivation that summons me out of the depths of my introversion is that my life is not my own, and I am compelled to live it outside of myself. I see this beautifully articulated by the Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 5:14 -"For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised."

That verse flattens the introverted default to turn inwardly within myself. Need to see inside my suitcase? My blog is but a peek :)

I have a tremendous amount of pride in my intuition. It informs my choices - letting me know what feels right, even discerning good from evil. The problem with a highly intuitive sense coupled with a need for control is a self-reliance that really doesn't deal well when things go awry (see previous entry). For as much as my intuition has helped me, it also has led me badly astray, to the point where I've questioned my whole sense of judgment. And sometimes intuition takes me down rabbit trails that prove less than helpful. I'm not ready to abandon my intuition. I know much of it is God-given, but I also need to know that I have far less oversight in everything than God does (preaching to myself here). And it is the work of the Holy Spirit to lay aside any confidence in self, grounding intuition where Scripture ought to triumph.