Deprivation > Restoration

Ever play the game "Deprived Child?"  An attempt to get to know a person by unearthing things by which we were deprived of as a child?  I for one always go for the "I never had a TV until 6th grade" line which is usually met with a lot of quizzical looks.  So yes, I am a bit clueless about things like, the Smurfs and other Saturday morning cartoons.

It wasn't that my parents thought TV was evil, it's just that they saw other means by which we could spend our time.  I became an avid reader and because forced to develop our own playtime, my sister and I both have a heightened sense of creativity.  I am endlessly thankful for this (though, we begged for a TV all the time).

Last night I felt terrible as I had to say "no" to my high school small group's request to go to either 7-11 or Starbucks to get a drink.  Yesterday we began the 30 Hour Famine, in which we fast from food for 30 hours to raise money for world hunger.  I explained that I wasn't trying to be legalistic about the whole fasting thing--because drinks are allowed--it's that I really wanted them to focus on what it means to have an absolute dependence on God.  And indulging in 7-11 or Starbucks would have been a detractor.

I know how hard it is to fast.  I mean even myself yesterday picked up a piece of chocolate from my coworker's desk without thinking and then dropped it like a hot potato, realizing that I wasn't supposed to eat (I've been known to carelessly stuff things in my mouth without thinking during fasts).

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."  Ps. 73:26

Lately it's been really hard for me to get up and face each day.  And I start digging for answers--not enough exercise or sleep? depression? spiritual warfare? lack of discipline?

I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I must say that the daily battle to enter His presence is not easily won.  Because truly, the dailyness of life eats at me, and pressing on involves harnessing my whole mind, body, spirit, and will.  It ain't easy.

There's an impulse in me to mask all yuckiness with anything to dull the senses.  And subtly, Christ, the object of my desire, is displaced.  Restoration, however, is a beautiful thing: 

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast." 1 Pet. 5:10

Took a little break from routine and went down to Monterey today.  It was absolutely refreshing to get away--to drink deep of my Savior's presence.  So, so needed.  

My SoCalled Life

Most people forget that I lived in Socal for two years.  Heck, even I forget sometimes.  It now registers as this little blip on the 'ol radar screen of life.  Yet honestly, at the time, those two years were huge.  To really understand why you'd have to understand how I got there.  I was laid off from my marketing job and then, *bam* God landed me in Southern California without so as much as a blink of the eye.

Coming from the city, living in Socal was like moving to a foreign land.  I mean, what up with the whole definite article in front of all the freeways?  And why are all the freeways affectionately given proper names, like "Golden State Freeway?"  And how many burger joints and donut shops do you need in a square mile radius? 

Okay, so I don't have too many nit picky things about Socal.  It was just different, that's all.  I mean, I loved the whole wearing flip flops in winter dealy and living ten minutes from suburbia attractions such as Walmart and Target.

I really grew to love it while I was there (and most definitely, having a season pass to Disneyland helps).

My point in all this Socal reminiscing is because I took a trip back down last weekend to attend A and J's wedding.  Admittedly, Socal is like a second home to me because since birth I've been down there at least 2-3 times a year.  I have roots down there--my dad was born in the 'Wood--Inglewood, that is.  Pre-ghetto days, as I like to remind him.  And I grew up a Laker fan.  Still am, to some extent.

I learned a lot about myself when I settled down in Socal.  I was so proud of myself when I figured out the freeway system.  I was even more proud when I forced myself into new groups of friends and a new church.  The most freeing thing was to live beyond what my reputation at home dictates me to be...so that all I'm left with is just the one important identity: child of God. 

I went down last weekend and saw people that I haven't seen in almost 2 years.  To minimize the awkwardness of people forgetting who I was, I gently inserted my name during reintroductions.  I wasn't forgotten by all, but truthfully, I myself have forgotten just how big a thing it was for me to be in Socal.

If You Missed AK

If you missed AK tonight, you really missed out.  There was this totally rockin' speaker...namely *ahem*, yours truly.

I'm actually the biggest scaredy cat when it comes to public speaking.  I usually feel sick right before getting up to speak, and this time I was even more nervous because my opening spiel had me speaking in German...

Guten Abend! Ich bin daran zu sprechen, und ich bin sehr glucklich dass ich deise Geigenheit habe.Ich weiss dass viele von ihr mir nicht verstehen kann, aber wo sind meine West Portal Lutheran Klassenkameraden?Ja, ich weiss dass ihr mich verstehen kann (hoffentlich).Hab kein Angst, ich bin nicht verruckt oder merkwurdig.Ich muss ein Beispiel machen.

[10 years later, still got it...Danke Schon, Frau F] 

My point being this: Sometimes when we think about who Jesus is in our lives, He seems to us a foreign language--because we are unfamiliar with His ways.  For me, tonight was all about reiterating who Jesus is in my life.  When you get to know Him, He becomes your dearest treasure.  When you choose Jesus, you will never be disappointed. 

It's super important that you guys get this.  Because life sucks.  It will beat you down and rob you of your joy.  I see it in the lives of my students that I teach, and so much of me wants to tell them--"The answer is Jesus!"  Yet with you, my AK'ers, I can be more explicit. 

Perhaps, then, the lyrics to the song we sang tonight will make more sense:

I live for you
All that I am, all that I do,
My heart beats with you, and each
Day I wake, I think of you

You are why I sing, You are why I live
Everything of me, I place at your feet
You are why I love, You are why I give
Everything of me belongs to you

I live for you
You are my God, You are the truth,
You're all that I need, My
Soul, it longs for more of you

It makes me so gosh darn proud when you guys choose Jesus.  And I know our heavenly Father is even more proud.

You have greatness within you...because our God is great.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I've never had to break up with anyone before.  Wouldn't want to, either.  I hear it sucks. 

Telling my boss that I'm leaving my job is something like breaking up (in my naive opinion).  I finally did it today, not because I lacked the courage, but because the opportunity just hasn't come.  I've managed to skirt around the issue long enough because things have been extremely busy.

Um, so how do you even start to tell someone that you'd like to break up?  Pretend like everything's hunky dory and then drop the bomb?  Extend flattery and then insert a big BUT...?  There is really no good segue.

I don't even remember how I managed to turn the conversation to bring up me leaving.  I think it was all the talk about summer plans that finally got to me, and I started...inserted with a lot of umms...to explain my decision to leave.  I was extremely nervous because I didn't know what would come out of my mouth.  Just please, oh please nothing stupid!  When I get nervous, I start to ramble.  And that rambling can often contain just a whole bunch of...nothing.

My boss was quite sad.  I think I either really shocked or disappointed him.  I wasn't quite sure how to read his expression.  He always has furrowed brows whenever he's thinking real hard, and on this occasion, his brows were raised in cautious expectation.  After I finished my awkward spiel, he noted that I do good work around here, and that he was sad to lose me. 

We actually had a good conversation following my bombshell announcement.  I relaxed and explained more of my decision, and he understood. I apologized, even though I wasn't sure why I was apologizing...probably because I just felt bad.

Gosh, breaking up is hard to do.

Roughin' It.

It's been a rough week for me. 

On Monday I came home with a headache.  I think I had something like seven different appointments with students--I'm meeting with all my students one-on-one this week for a sort of midterm check-in.  This, however, seems to have opened a can of worms.  How much drama can be contained within the lives these few students?  Answer: Lots. 

During one particular meeting, a student goes off ranting about how basically the school has screwed him over and the world is against him, blah, blah, blah.  And he started crying, which I don't see a lot of from my guy students.  His tears dried and then he continued with the "woe is me" spiel.  Then he started carrying over that frustration into my meeting with him, saying that this whole thing was pointless.  At that point, I had had it.  I closed his portfolio and said in a firm voice, "You know what, buddy (name witheld), if I'm wasting your time you don't need to be here..."  As soon as I did that, the student finally realized I was serious and said "No, Sherise, no I didn't mean it that way..."  And then I launched into my whole "I care a heckuva lot for my students and if you think that I'm just doing my job out of duty, you're wrong."  Which was accompanied by me getting choked up, and then him finally taking me seriously. 

Boy, oh boy.  Does it really have to amount to the teacher crying in front of her students to get them to realize that she cares about them?

Well, it took my Savior's death to realize how precious my salvation is.  Certainly puts things in perspective.

What else of the dramatic sort? I had a student who totaled his car and his main concerns were the drugs stashed in his car and how his car was now a total wreck.  Dude, just be glad you have life.  Because tragically, for another one of my students, her boyfriend's father was killed last week in a car accident.  Another student got dumped by her fiance.  And another student (whom I haven't seen in over a month) is wanted by the cops. I think I'll just stop here.

"Life on life."  That's how I explained our job to my coworker today.  Because we deal with life on life, the result is all of this yuckiness.  When I had a student storm out on me today and then return, I took a deep breath and drew from another life--that of my Savior.  Thank God His grace is in abundant supply.  I'm so in need of it.

A Trip to the Dentist.

I dread going to the dentist.  Not because of the potential unveiling of poor oral hygiene (I'm a religious flosser =) but have you ever thought what a compromising position you lay in as you sit in the dentist's chair?  Not to mention that your mouth is hanging wide open and you're subjected to the prodding of little machinery.  And most inevitably, drool happens.

Such was my visit today.  I had a new dentist, though it's the same office that I've gone to since high school.  As I entered I shot a quick glance at the dentist--and my uncomfortableness increased as I noted that he was a Chinese male, probably around my age.  Just great.  Don't make eye contact, Sherise, just sit in the chair.  Now that I've reached the age where your peers are able to work on you (much less that of the opposite sex), it's just plain 'ol wierd to have this guy leaning over you and telling you that you have tartar buildup.  At least he didn't try to make conversation while cleaning my teeth--I mean that's the worst--when you have to sort of garble out an answer while someone's poking around in your mouth.

It was hard to take him seriously after I sat up and he started to explain his recommendations for correcting this tooth defect that I've had for years.  Then somehow my impending time in the motherland came up and the conversation started to pick up.  He chimed in that he also thought of going overseas, because the potential for performing dental work is quite lucrative, given that there is no insurance to deal with and cash is used.  Great, buddy, but I have an entirely different motivation.  I sort of mumbled my way out of the conversation and left the office.

It's interesting to note how God is at work in this decision of mine.  Responses to me going for a two year term have run the gamut--my former coworker basically chewed me out for my decision, then gave me a hug as she confessed that she would miss me.  I found out that my poh poh and yi mah were in tears (privately, of course).  Still others are excited, wanting to know more, and have offered their support and prayers.  And I already told you about my uncle.

I still have some key people to tell, like my boss.  Yikes, how is that all going to pan out?  I still ask God what He wants of me during the remainder of my time here. 

He will surely reveal.

Blech. Yuck.  Those sum up my emotions at the moment having just hung up the phone from a conversation with my well-meaning, but ultimately frustrating uncle.  The reason for the yuckiness is because he grilled me on my rationale for going overseas.  Granted, I've dealt with naysayers before, but this time I could literally feel my blood pressure rising as I shot back each of his doubts.

I tearfully hung up the phone.

The last time I had the blood rising feeling was when I wasn't being directly questioned, but yet at the same time, the issue of a person's desire and heart to go overseas was being called into question.  And it was getting altogether too personal.  You may remember my entry from a few weeks ago when I ended up in tears at a ministry meeting. 

Oh for grace, dear Lord! 

[BTW, my conversation with my uncle ended with, "Okay, so you know your aunt and I will support you "x" amount monthly."  And that "x" amount? More than just a chunk of change.  God, where does your grace end?]

----

Thought I would include an endnote to my conversation with my uncle--Right after our conversation I had emailed him an apology for my "defensiveness" over the phone...and here is his reply:

"No, you did not sound defensive at all, rather very faithful in God.  We are very proud of you, we are strong supporters for your calling.  God will bless you.  I am very proud in your word that you have a very strong calling and faith in God that he will provide your need.

We are just one of God's calling that we want to support you.

God bless you."

[Grammatical errors aside, I am utterly encouraged...]

 

Snippets...From the Humorous to the More Serious 

I'm missing a hubcap.  I returned from New Orleans and my sister sheepishly tells me she accidentally lost my hubcap.  Something like she backed into a space, heard a noise, and didn't think anything of it.  Now I'm driving around ghetto style in my '99 VW Passat.  * Sigh *

I cut my hair.  It's the biannual cutting of the hair (I would cut it more often, but I just get lazy).  I don't know why I let myself be brave when I'm at the hair salon--I'm not braver at other moments...and whenever I go I always repeat the agony of "should I speak English or Chinese to the hair stylist?"  End result--short bangs...

I love my iPod Shuffle.  I love my Adobe Creative Suite.  A belated thanks to those who thought to indulge both my musical and creative side for my birthday.  You guys rock!

Here comes the bride.  That's right, next week kicks off the '05 wedding season.  Up first: Kristy and Chris!  Week after--Anne and Jason!  In May--Heather and Newt!  July--Janet and Mat (I get to coordinate my first wedding! And emcee!).  August--Luce and Dan!  Oh and congrats to my dear friend and former grad school roomie, Sally, on her engagement...I look forward to being a part of the festivities.

Spring break! Ah yes, such bliss...three days off...and only three days because I had to finish my midterm grades.  Can we have a moment for all the teachers out there?  Thank you.

School...on Sundays?  I'm back teaching Sunday School to my high schoolers after a two month hiatus.  Though I dragged my feet to return (and don't worry, I even confessed this to my kids), I find myself back with a renewed spirit.  To all my AK'ers--ya know I love ya dearly!

A GOOD Friday.  I had a beautiful moment as I gazed at the names in red of all the AK/JS'ers on the wall of butcher paper for one the stations we set up to remember Christ's death.  Christ died for these precious souls.  And morever, Christ died for me.

A new church (building)! I've been at my church practically since its inception.  Within those church walls I have accepted Christ, been baptized, and grown in the faith.  And now we have a brand new building!  It's a beaut!

On the brink of something new.  Though I wish to divulge all the details here, I can't.  But it involves the culmination of a long journey and exploring God's will for me overseas.  You'll be hearing more from me!

The Passion of the Christ

[I penned this a year ago.  But given that it's Passion week, I thought it relevant.]

I was one of the millions of evangelicals who flocked to see Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ on opening weekend (I actually wound up seeing it twice on separate occasions).Its release has caused quite a stir—what would compel Gibson, an accomplished actor, to pour millions of his own dollars into a project that would offend so many?The crucifixion is hardly a palatable subject, yet Gibson has gone on record to defend his controversial undertaking.

I am not one to jump on the bandwagon, even though the Christian community has openly embraced the film.The whole idea of portraying the crucifixion a la Hollywood, (much less Gibson) is a bit off-setting for something so personal as my faith.

Going into the film, I didn’t know what to expect.I had read that believers were walking away from this film greatly moved, some even to tears.How would I react?The thought lingered as I watched the film.What would seeing the graphic portrayal of my Savior’s death do for my faith?

For Gibson’s efforts, the film has been noted as “the gospel according to Mel.”But truly, creative liberties aside, this is a film about the gospel of salvation.It is the Scripture story of what I believe and profess faith in—a man named Christ, who without blame, came to die for the sins of man.He rose again, demonstrating victory over the cross.It is utterly incomprehensible, and arguably foolish that God would choose to save the world in this way and it bears little significance for those perishing.As I sat through the film, I wondered if any pagan movie goer could come to grips with such a plot.And then I wondered how many believers live in the abundance that is theirs because of what Christ did.

It’s difficult to emerge from the film as a believer without becoming keenly aware of the price of your salvation.The film leaves you with little cause to treat lightly the act committed on the cross.The body broken and the blood shed become more than ritual sayings.They become ingrained images, as if you were firsthand witness.

My take on the film now is that it’s less of a matter of liking or disliking the film—the question is more of a “so what?”What does this film do for your faith? I can tell you what it did for mine.This film made me more keenly aware of the grounds for which the gospel is foolishness to those perishing.Yet it is our embracing of this act that sparks wonder about this Christ.Do we live like this is real?

We have been committed this ministry of reconciliation to bring others to the full knowledge of Jesus as Lord—as if the Lord Himself were making his appeal through us.We are the jars of clay in which God has chosen to reveal His glory.We preach Christ crucified, and for that, we are labeled fools.Yet God indeed chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise.

I got a chance to chat with a former co-worker of mine (and non-believer) about the film.I tried to explain as honestly as I could my take on the film.We moved to talking about her friend who is a devout Buddhist.When I informed her that I disagree with the Buddhist take on reincarnation, she replied, half-laughing, “Yeah, I know—you believe Mel Gibson.”

Odd as that sounded, I had to agree.

A Sinking Feeling.

There was a first for me today.  The first time my heart actually sunk in utter despair over my students.  Followed by a real longing to see salvation realized amongst these misfits that I have often described as unlovable.

Perhaps misfits is a strong word.  Yet I do not exaggerate when I say that I'm facing war in the classroom each time I step foot.  I'm not talking the Michelle Pfeiffer of Dangerous Minds kind.  I'm talking about the war over these precious souls.  They are drug addicts, manic depressives, nicotine high lovers, outcasts, and rebels without a cause.

I've agonized over them and worried.  I've lost my patience.  I've scratched my head in disbelief.  Out of all the population of students that I've taught, this by far has been the most difficult.

Yet Jesus loves them.  Thus I must love them, too.

[Hard as it may be, I love because He first loved me.]