Sometimes I get way intimidated by something and so avoid doing it. An example is graphic design. The real reason why I never pursued it as a major was because I didn't think I was any good. Growing up, there were others who were always better. It was not until years later that I began to value my own creativity.

Today I was intimidated by two things, and wanted to avoid doing them. One was a 6.5 mile run. Check - finished those miles before 10am! Second was my first graphic design assignment for the class I'm taking this semester. Really, not as scary as I thought.

I'm getting better at this, you see :)

I've decided that it's sometimes hard not to surrender to the defeatist in me. However, on this Friday, the end of my week, I would like to give thanks - to being fearfully and wonderfully made, to the grace in which I am made free.

Such are my thoughts to close out the week.

Ugh. I caught my first plagiarizing student of the semester. Every semester there is at least one. I think what bugs me is that I feel taken advantage of - do you really think I am that clueless as not to catch it? I can't stand dishonesty. That must be one of the worst offenses in my eyes - not just of my students, but in life. I think I used to be good at telling whether or not someone was deceiving me - but I find that lately I've been duped more than once.

Today I came back super excited about accomplishing a goal of mine at work. There is something utterly satisfying about completing something you set out to do. This is another thing I tell my students - the importance of finishing something. The something that I set out to do this time was to organize and hold a live online chat for students at the school (oh the wonders of modern technology!). I would describe our live online chat to be something like a radio show - with myself and another colleague live "on the air."

I was really nervous before we went live. I am prone to ridiculous babble when nervous. There is also this weird self-monitoring that goes on inside my head - What in the world are you saying? Do you have any idea how you are going to end this sentence besides "um, yeah?" For all my nervousness, the chat went really well except for one point when I almost lost it after my co-worker descended into a nervous laughter (that proved contagious). I managed to pull it together, though. Whew!

It was also pointed out that my "um" usage was minimal, if any. That's what we call um...an accomplishment :)

(I took a break longer from blogging than I intended to. A day turned into two, and you know how that goes...)

Starting the day is something I feel is undervalued. For me if I can start the day having accomplished something it motivates me for the next thing. I preach this to my students, which, for better or worse, holds me accountable to what I say.

Today I tried to practice what I preach by getting out the door early to run. And being the glutton for punishment that I am, I pushed myself to run uphill at 8am in the morning. Along the way I saw a group of Chinese women doing their exercises. I think they have it right by making it into a communal thing. That's actually something else that I preach, but I still need to actually do.

I love when people take me to new places to eat in the city. I don't think I'm a foodie, however. I think that designation implies a bit of snobbishness. I just like to eat. Give me good food, and I'm happy.

Today I went to Samovar Tea Lounge with my friend KC. It was honestly a breath of fresh air for me in the midst of what was a full day with student meetings. I felt completely transposed into another world, apart from the frenzy. I sipped Jasmine Lemonade and ate a curry egg salad sandwich (with fuji apples). The best part was sitting on the outside patio, which is tucked away in Yerba Buena Gardens. Too bad I get stuck in the cave that's my office too often. I need people like KC to drag me out (hint, hint).

Why is it when things are chaotic that the desire is to shutdown? When there's so much to do, why does it have the effect of you wanting to do nothing at all? These are honest questions I ask myself. When I can't get things neatly ordered how I'd like, I'd rather give up on it all.

I'm convinced that I'd let myself go too often if I gave in each time on this.

Speaking with a friend on this tonight, I realize this is a mutual point of struggle for many. It's the fight or flight syndrome that we read about in psychology. A little less fleeing or running away is what I need.

I seriously have to type this and go straight to bed. I know it sounds bad, but I've been dreading tomorrow, the start of my class with my under achieving students. I'm one of the veterans teaching this class, but it still gives me as much anxiety as my first time teaching it.

I'm trying to adopt a new approach to this class in order to prevent any potential meltdowns (on my end). A lot of it hinges on me being firm, and I tend to be more compassionate than firm. The struggle this semester will be to keep these two in balance.

Yes, teachers are a nervous wreck the first day of school, too.

There's a woman I know that seriously hyperventilates when she's around too many women all at once. I find it hilarious as she describes her phobia - I've never met anyone so extreme. I joked with her today about how it must be divine that she has two sons and no daughters.

In some ways, I can identify with her. There's a certain disdain that I have towards large female gatherings. Sometimes it's more drama for your mama, and other times it's just way too much female energy for me to sustain. I do love my girlfriends, but I really think that we benefit from having opposite gender relationships. There are many reasons for which good opposite gender relationships (GOGR) go wrong, but I still advocate for them.

This doesn't excuse me from attending any bridal or baby showers that I'm invited to.

In the midst of what was chaos in the last month I found solace through adding routine and discipline to my life. Blogging, as odd as it may sound, is one. Eating oatmeal is another - officially, this habit is now two years and running. I surprise even myself with that one. I started running again, too (which, I'm realizing I've already announced here).

Someone much wiser than me said that if we do things only when we "feel" like it, this probably wouldn't be often at all. I see so much truth to this. I don't ever feel like eating oatmeal. I have to talk myself out the door (literally) each time I'm supposed to run. Would I rather keep thoughts in my head or express them to the world via my blog? I'll let you guess. If I relied on sheer feelings, I wouldn't get much done at all.

There has to be a compelling "why" behind any form of discipline. I still wrestle with these "whys" sometimes. Shaky motivations translate into less than zealous pursuit of discipline. When this happens I'm forced to rexamine that ultimate why.