I Left My Heart in San Francisco.  I'm a city girl through and through.  But somehow along the way I've lost the romanticized view of the city that brings swarms of visitors from afar.  For its many boasts, I also know its ugliness and various failings.  I have grieved over this city many a time and at other times shaken my head in disgust.  It's a viscious love/hate.

I had a chance to recapture the city's charm as I stopped along the waterfront with Sherilyn this evening.  It was absolutely gorgeous and oddly tranquil. I was hit with a wave of emotion of God's sovereign choice to plop me down on earth here. 

Thank God his emotions do not run fickle over us. 

Late Bloomer.  Growing up is hard enough as it is, and being a late bloomer only makes it worse.  Time seems to span an eternity, especially during those formidable years of adolescence.  When I was small, I always wanted to fast forward time.  It's silly, but watching enough "Out of This World" will get you thinking that you can fiddle with time (you go, Evie Garland!).

I'm one of those late bloomers.  My kindergarten teacher wrote on my report card that I was immature.  I was the last person in my 2nd grade class to learn to write cursive.  I got my first pair of Keds after all the other girls were on their 2nd or 3rd pair.  I was among the last to learn how to do a lay-up on my 5th grade basketball team.  And I'm not going to even mention high school.

Recently I find myself being strangely confronted with the past.  Old acquaintainces have reappeared on my daily commutes, and I'm left to grapple the question of so-who-are-you-today?  This in turn has provided a fresh understanding of my Potter's hand, for everything is made beautiful in His time. 

I watched my high schoolers tonight with particular interest because they all moved up a rank in the all important pecking order with the start of the school year.  Sophomores boast a subtle maturity that was absent their freshman year.  Juniors exude a confidence they once lacked, and seniors step up to their new role of being on top.  And graduated seniors (now college freshmen) regain the humility of learning things anew.   

I'm a stranger to those teenage years.  But the benefit of being at the quarter of a century mark is that it allows enough years to see the steadfast, consistent work of the Potter.  And He is far from finished.

Starry Eyed.  My work is made somewhat glamorous because of the artist-types that I find myself schmoozing with.  Granted, I mostly schmooze with the ones that are slightly off-edge and on the verge of being kicked out of school--but still, my school churns out some really incredible artists.  My being there stirs up the wannabe artist in me.

As I hobnob with the school's elite (these being department directors, one of whom is even a B-list Hollywood actress),  I'm learning to hold my own with these professionals.  I remember being paralyzed with fear at my first job when interacting with corporate big wigs.   Now I take the perspective of Esther praying for favor in the eyes of King Xerxes.  I know that God has placed me there for such a time as this.  Even with my peon status. 

I'm xanga-ing a lot about work recently.  But that's the majority of my life M-F.  And yet it's a part of my life that few really know about.  I quote from Alistair Begg: "It's in the routines of life that real gains are made, real joy is found, and the reality of God's provision becomes most obvious."

My He continue to make obvious His care for me everyday. 

Creatures of Habit.  I have a coworker who always eats at Wendy's.  And he always orders the same thing--I forget the exact order, but it's something like a baked potato and a salad.  It's easy to find this peculiar--why would you eat at the same establishment every single work day?  There are so many good places to eat, especially given that we work in downtown San Francisco, the practical mecca of culinary delights!

A few days ago I described to my coworker the Greek food that I had just sampled for lunch.  He became wide-eyed as I explained the different choices in menu items.  It was funny, even cute, to see him realize that he ought to get out more and try new things.

Isn't that so with our faith?  One lesson that I hold dear from my summer is the realization that at no point can I ever say that this is ALL there is to experiencing the Lord in my life.  We talk about believers selling out on their faith, but I'm talking here about those who draw boundaries around their faith, making the subtle compromise that this is all there is to the Christian journey.   

I admit, I fall prey to this belief.  I often place stakes in this life when I shouldn't.  I've returned from China to a life of stability--a decent job, a set salary, good family and friends.  Yet the fulfillment of all this is unsatisfying.  I see it in my life, I see it in the hearts of those who I make my daily commute with on public transportation.

The prophet Isaiah puts it this way:

"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy?  Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

I want to revel in the abundance of my Savior.  I want to eat what is good and dwell in the land that is everlasting.  But this involves looking at my life with meticulous scrutiny.  Do I live like I am loved by the King? Am I fulfilling all what God wants of me?  Have I gladly taken the cup which He has given me? 

I have a banquet that awaits.  But that first means giving up the chips and pretzels.

Ugh.  It was harder to go back to work than I thought. 

After being gone for almost 3 months, it was difficult to pick up where I left off.  I always feel awkward around my coworkers--small talk is not my forte, especially when topics of conversation stray beyond my expertise.

My biggest challenge is how to remain authentic to who I am in a culture that is not my own.  Not only do I lack Christian coworkers, I'm the only Chinese American amongst the 30 odd people in my surrounding departments (hey, for a person who grew up in the city, this is huge). 

This all came to a head today when I received an email from a job applicant regarding my position.  This person had seen my bio on the school's website and noticed that I was a Christian, and wanted to find out my perspective on work at the Academy.  I started to write the person back when my supervisor walked into my office.  His eyes glanced over the email I was writing, and I immediately felt panicky inside, since I had started to write about matters of faith.

At that moment, I felt embarrassed.  And now I feel embarrassed for feeling embarrassed.  I've been reading "Safely Home," a novel by Randy Alcorn about the persecuted church in China.  The resulting contrast between the Christians in China (who take bold stands for their faith) and myself (the wimp) couldn't have been starker.  As I pondered this discrepancy, I knew that I have a long ways to go in my faith.

I need more of the Apostle Paul's boldness:

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes."  Romans 1:16  

My grandfather is now a precious member of the kingdom!

It was a day that I believed would never come.  Yet God was ultimately sovereign in bringing my grandfather to salvation.

My grandfather suffers from Parkinsons.  Over the gradual course of the years, my family and I have watched him slowly degenerate both physically and mentally.  The belief that the gospel could ever penetrate his heart was diminishing in my eyes, though we had shared with him many times before.

My mother has been awesome in her persistence for my grandfather to know the Lord.  She carried this burden, while many of us in the family had only distant hope.  It was her that got to witness my grandfather commit his remaining days to Christ.

I was sobbing when I heard the news.  God continues to be mightily at work in my midst, even though I'm not in China anymore. 

God is almost too good to be true.  But He is!  And He reigns! 

Instead of remarking on things that I miss about China, I'll make a note of things that I'm grateful for here at home:

A pair of jeans.  Slipping on a pair of jeans just about made my day when I came home.  This after a summer of uncomfortably fidgeting in skirts.

Cars that stop for pedestrians.  Crossing the street here is actually a welcome relief.  No more Frogger simulations.

A hair dryer.  I learned this summer that going to bed with semi-wet hair does not cause headaches, contrary to a popular maternal belief...

Carrying a purse.  I am by no means a girly girl, but after a summer of carrying a heavy shoulder bag loaded with precautionary items such as anti-bacterial gel, a first aid kit, and water, a dainty purse that sits on my shoulder is quite an indulgence.

Being back at home is still odd.  I was on Clement Street yesterday half thinking I was in China, but the reality of watching diverse groups of people frequenting Chinese businesses (think--a Russian teen buying dim sum) quickly popped my China bubble.  Somehow I liked knowing that I was the foreigner overseas.  I don't feel special coming home to a life where I feel less ordinary.

But we do have an extraordinary God.  And despite my bouts of insecurity, I am learning to understand my infinite worth as His own and to live my life in the full recogition that the God who was so amazingly at work in China is also at work here.

There is no excuse for a ho-hum life, even though I've gone from the incredibly busy to the suddenly simple.  I will continue to relish this appointed time of rest for His purposes.

I'm back!

Still trying to get my bearings straight, but considering that my supervisor just informed me I can take an additional 2 weeks off instead of coming back to the office today, I am more than grateful.  This is further evidence of the Lord's care for me, something I experienced to new heights this summer.

There is much to say and tell.  Please stay tuned! 

This will be my last xanga entry for awhile (but no worries, it won't be as long as it took me to get my xanga started)...

I leave for China tonight.  I couldn't sleep last night, restless with the thought that I would be leaving for China the next day. I battle against my insecurities, which tell me that I'm not ready for this adventure.  At the same time, I'm thrilled by the fact that I will be going to a land with great history, with such rich ground for the gospel.

My last 24 hours have been spent packing, running errands, and in an odd juxtaposition, celebrating milestones.  One of my best friends Denise finished her M.A. in TESOL (like me!)...another English teacher has been birthed!  Two of my longtime friends, Janet and Mat just got engaged...this on the brink of her 26th birthday.

Life goes on (la da de) and for me my next clear step is China. I will return changed, for sure.  Exactly how I am not so sure.

My good friend Sumiko told me about this missionary in China who prayed everyday that she would do the Lord's will (I'm paraphrasing, I'm sure it was more eloquent than that). What faith!  I know that my flesh and heart will falter this summer, but with grace, He enables me to complete His will.  To Him be all glory and praise.

Looking forward to praising our God together when I return.

Things I learned this past weekend with my high school seniors (04!):

1. I was meant for better things than rubix cubes.  Spatial intelligence will always be a wished for gift.

2. I can't throw a football worth anything.  Catching one also produces a similiar result.

3. I can hit a wiffle ball decently (but not consistently).

4. There are many ways to roast a marshmallow.  But impatience will lead to unwanted carcinogens.

5. A canoe ride is best enjoyed with a good friend (Aileen), a snow-capped mountain (Mt. Shasta), and a trusty oar to row away from watersplashing attackers.

6. Some people think I'm pretty funny and witty (Evangeline!)

7. Large birds fly overhead at night in the form of highschool senior pranksters, leaving cryptic messages on one's car.

8. Tri tip beef looks pinker under the lighting of an RV.  Best to take the meat outside for a more well done appeal.

9.  Jeans can be rolled-up as makeshift pockets, suitable for keys and snacks.

10. There's nothing sweeter than enjoying God's presence in nature.  Nothing.