No Surprise Here.

Why should the unbelieving world be surprised that spiritual icons such as Mother Teresa or even the faith touting Charles Schultz had in them such incredibly dark sides?  As people of faith are we invincible?  Does it reinforce the post-modernist who says that all faiths are relative?  Christianity, they say, is not any better.

But I say it is that much better.  For the gospel message is this: that Jesus Christ died so that the dark mass in all humanity may forever be dealt with.  And for this I am glad!  Because what it means is that my own darkness, my own propensity to justify myself and seek significance in my abilities finds security in One who says that I am not only justified, but also reconciled, declared worthy, and able to change. 

I wish I would get this more.  That would save me from my own self-salvation attempts.  And perhaps this is what we see reflected in Mother Teresa and Charles Schultz.  For even the Apostle Paul labeled himself a wretched man.  Certainly he knew a thing or two about darkness.

So yes, I acknowledge this darkness in me.  But I'm learning not to despair but rather to take faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me.  And for you.
 

California Bound.

Soon, this transplanted Californian will be reunited with her native land.  It promises to be better than the picture. 

Office Antics.

In between studying I've been sneaking in episodes of the The Office (Thank you mfong).  I've now finished all three seasons, and kudos to nbc.com for posting this season's episodes online.  Guess where I go when I procrastinate?

I think The Office is even funnier if you've experienced your own versions of Dwight or Michael in real life.   My favorite part is the premise that the office-mates are being filmed, kind of like a reality show.  You see them in the conference room talking to the camera (usually about each other).  But what I love most is when the camera is "live" and pans to one of the character's "raw" takes in reponse to something.  Usually you get Jim with wide eyes, Pam with a look of disgust. Kevin with his squinty-I'm-thinking eyes, Angela looking with disgust, a confused Phyllis, etc. 

Our nonverbals say a lot in real life.  But sometimes I wish there was a camera around so you can make whatever face you want when someone says or does something (without them seeing, of course).  It would work the same as when someone turns his back and your filtered expression dissipates into what you really think.

I think my camera face would either be a furrowed eyebrow or down-turned lip. 

Too Modest?

I have this thing about not liking to talk about what I'm good at.  I used to think it was humility but in fact, it's pride.  How so?  Because if someone knows I'm capable of something, then I have to perform.  And if I don't meet their expectations?  Then I fail.  If I fail?  I'm humiliated and possibly, rejected. 

If it sounds like I'm being facetious, I'm not trying to be.  It's really what keeps me from piping up that I say, speak Chinese.  Then I (humbly) bust out a phrase or two.  Instant compliments!  你的中文说的很好！It's also oddly enough what keeps me from doing things that I'm not so good at (to which there's a long list)--like no thanks to that microphone at karaoke.

I imagine a life free from this needs the root understanding of Acceptance.  I have a life spent on trying to get that more and more. 

An image of freedom (thank you AC for striking a model pose):

Life as He Reveals.

I began rethinking my xanga title in recent days, mostly over the discussion in my theology class on the nature of revelation...what is meant when we speak of the revelation of God?  I recall one my first classes as an undergrad in Asian American Studies.  The entire first lecture was dedicated to whether or not there should be a dash (-) between Asian and American.  Apparently the dash comes loaded with implications.  I was a disinterested 17-year old at the time.  (I still think that whole discussion was ridiculous).

Theology can kind of get to a similar point of 'who cares.'  I agree that there are sometimes stronger reactions against theology amongst believing circles than others.  But I've been doing theology way before landing on planet DTS, pestering my dad at an early age with deep theological questions, like if God knew our messed up state before creation, why even bother with us?  I was a theologian before my time.

My first theology exam in seminary came and went...I circled an answer on the multiple choice that was heresy...guilty as charged.  I'm learning to care about this stuff; I really am.

Time Machines.

When I was younger I used to like to tell myself to "fast forward" to a certain point of time in the future.  Then I'd visualize some event I was really looking forward to.  So, for example, I'd tell myself to "fast forward" to Christmas, when I would break from school and go to sunny LA to visit relatives and collect my Christmas gifts.  "Fast forward" to me meant thinking about the moment in the near (and sometimes distant) future when I knew for sure I'd be experiencing good stuff.

This may all sound ridiculous, and it is.  But it was my naive means of hope.   For some reason, telling myself to "fast forward" to an appointed time reminded me that there were always good things to come.  I never did like it when I had nothing to fast forward to, though.

Now that I'm older I've stopped the whole fast forward thing.  Most times I'm preoccupied with deflecting all the crap that comes with my present reality.  I hate that cynicism creeps in with age.  Fast forward to when the cynic in me is finally defeated...

See What I Mean.

What used to be my morning commute.  The traffic light (see if you can find it) is only a suggestion...

Look Before Crossing.

Stepping outside my door each day for the past 2 years used to kick into gear what I call my automatic defensive mechanism.  Call it a will to survive.  This is what is meant when people say they're living on edge all the time.   That pretty much was my life overseas.  Life outside my sanctioned apartment was madness; a small joy could be avoiding trailing the manure truck on your morning commute.

I found myself complaining about the lawnmower early in the mornings here.  But when I got to thinking about it, heck, I should thank the Almighty that there's even grass.  I mean, anything green was a delight to me overseas.  I should revel that here green is in equal abundance to the blue in the sky.

I ran a red light today.  I blame it on the horizontal orientation of traffic lights in Texas.  Would it hurt to go vertical?  I felt such amazing guilt, and then complete relief that I didn't get caught, or hit for that matter.  Overseas, I don't think this would have gotten to me (running a red).  I see I've reassumed my consciousness for breaking the law.

It's a funky reality to be back sometimes.

PB&J.

Congrats to my friend MT who got his book out on the market.  I was pleasantly surprised to receive my copy in the mail from the author himself. 

Now, don't think that by reading this book you'll find your 'matchmade in heaven' as the book touts.  But it does take you further than the 'Passion and Purity' and 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' overreads.  Because what MT does is rile you up such that you're bothered enough to recognize your own presuppositions on dating.  MT takes what is a serious subject for many and makes it humorous.  But don't take the book as complete farce.  You'll be agreeing and saying your 'amens' at various intervals.  Yet you get to points in the book where you wonder if MT isn't operating out of a completely alternate reality than everyone else.  But maybe that's the point.  The outrageous makes you think about what is really true about dating, and if we're real with ourselves, no one has exclusive claim as the dating authority. 

I recommend reading this book outloud with a friend.  Take it on a long car ride and see what you can do to act out the dialogues.  Peanut butter and jelly might not be your thing, but you'll have your own ham and cheese at the end.  And maybe that's what counts.

Back to School.

It's been awhile since I've been to a school with a name attached to it.  The last I think was high school, and there was a lot to live up to being a Chinese female and outscoring everyone else to get in.  The whole institution boasted geniuses.

I de-nerded myself in college, though it was my former nerdiness that helped me to sophomore status before I even started.  I decided to take the liberal arts route, making college sane.  Grad school came though, and I was back on the nerd track--this time because I really enjoyed my studies.  Couldn't help it.

I'm in school again...and what's more, a school with a hefty reputation.  But it's been amazingly chill.  I like that.  Heard Chuck speak in chapel last week--that was cool.  Learned what prolegomena is.  Managed to find fifty observations out of just one verse.  Oh and watched the first season of The Office.  The inner nerd in me is tempered.  For now.